A Quick Hilter Skilter End O' Summer Party Guide
I know it's been a while since I've busted some original vile verbal vomit. You will have to excuse me; I've been very busy clouding my peanut sized brain chock-full-‘o copious Godzilla-sized doses of drugs and liquor. My busy Hollywood party schedule may have slowed my writing some, but I have assimilated some great partying tips that may spice up the doldrums of your summer's dog daze.
For a bender you need a crew. Most of your working friends know better than to hang out with you because they’ve been waking up the last eight Wednesdays morning's in a row with the "worst hangover ever" and are not about to do it again. It is helpful to create some helpful euphemisms based abound the "let's go out for one drink" lie to trick them again.
When I write "
Jays Big Book of Lies" these will be the three biggest lies of all time:
1. "The check is in the mail."
2. "No, I won't cum in your mouth."
3. "Let's go out for a (singular) drink.
People are immune to #3 by now. That is why I find it helpful to suggest "a light evening of {insert activity here"}. For {insert activity here} you need to make sure that it's the one thing your friend is least able to turn down, but suggest it not be done in excess. For example:
"Let's go out for a light evening of {whoring}."
It works every time; just a little food and drink -- nothing to fancy, but once you've you step outside that door -- you must begin:
RAISING THE ODDS: When "raising the odds" you take the vice you picked and pump it up a notch. Not enough sluts around? Raise the odds. Only mildly drunk? Raise the odds. On drugs yet? Raise the fuckin' odds! At first you accomplice will resist your attempt to "raise the odds", but, as an experienced "odds raiser" themselves, will know that resistance if futile and nothing but a ruse. I myself am an admitted odds raiser -- you only live once, so raise the states -- but then you are faced with another big decision: Weather or not to GO BIG?
GOING BIG: Nothing good ever happens when you "go big", however it can be a lot of fun. Usually it is best to plan to "go big" in advance -- have prearranged bail money, the next day free extend the bender, keep 400 Advil on hand the impending hangover, and a lawyer or two can be handy -- often you might "raise the odds" too much and accidentally "go big"! If you want to have fun, sometimes, you've got to pay. It is helpful to have some "big boy" apparel (aviator glasses, fur coats, etc) to signify to those known to you that you are "going big" and they can distance themselves accordingly. A large group will often impede the progress of "going big", so it is helpful to have an “ASPARAGUS PLAN”.
OPERATION ASPARGUS: During an "Asparagus Operation" you and your coolest friend ditch whatever large group of lame guys you are currently with to up the chances of "raising the odds" and maybe even "go big". When one of you says the word "asparagus" the pair will quietly break off from the pack unnoticed; hopefully move on and raise some real hell -- as will be identified by the color coded threat level of ones gums:
THE TREAT LEVEL OF YOUR GUMS: Often time the process of "going big" can be a treacherous one; it is helpful to remind your peers of just what level you are on by giving periodic updates on the exact status of your gums:
"My gums are a fine shade of cobalt blue." = Early stages of beer intoxication (6-8 beers) perhaps mixed in with some marijuana.
"My gums are a deep hue of alabaster." = Liquor intake accelerating -- Jagermeister has definitely kicked in at this point. It won't be long until…
"My gums are indeed a fine shade of chartreuse." = Over fifteen beers, perhaps some martinis, definite Jagermeister intake, cocaine has now entered the equation.
"My gums are an epervecant shade bright stunning magenta." = A rare and glorious time. Psychedelics are at play here. Gums do not turn bright magenta until at least the twelfth hour of a good stretch. Indeed, ones brain may be an “epervecant shade bright stunning magenta” to boot.
Regardless of the threat level of your gums, weather you're raising the odds or if want to go big -- remember this as you are hurtling into
mid-asparagus: Everything that I have mentioned leads one
direction:
DOWN.
Indeed, the situation will continue to deteriorate untill you will find yourself where I've found myself on numerous occasions throughout this
summer:
FUCKED UP AS JESSE JACKSON'S CHECK BOOK!
Peace out,
Jay
From:
http://www.jays-xxx-links.com/sex-blog/
I don't know many blog writers that put that kind of effort in their content. :thumbsup for me.