I bet I'm one of the few people who can ask a question about web hosting and not get a single reply from a hosting rep.

Picture that smiley with a penguin instead of an apple.
Hosting support finally replied. PHP is not supported on their Windows servers. Apparently I chose the only Windows host that I looked at which doesn't list PHP in their supported languages section. (Nice work UW.
You really are useless.) Of course, the jerks took to the time to suggest that I should upgrade from the $3.99/month account to one of their dedicated servers for PHP support. |badidea|