I disagree that it would be nearly impossible for a non-native English speaker to learn how to write effective porn sales text. We're talking about stringing together a few colloquialisms about genitals and fucking followed by a call to action, not an intellectual thesis.
You clearly have foundational English. The problem is, like Allfetish said, it doesn't sound natural. While the words may convey the meaning you're looking for, it's just not how people speak. Also using the syntax of a foreign language in English hardly ever works out well. It may be the right words, but the sequence is all wrong. You end up sounding like Borat.
Try reading some English/American magazines like Stuff and Blender where the writers often try to sound "cool". Surf the listings of any LL to get a feel for the trade lingo (just make sure you don't copy other people's bad habits). Listen to English language radio and watch American movies and TV shows to learn the flow of the language. There are also plenty of online resources available. I personally use
dictionary.com a lot (both dictionary and thesaurus). There are also a few adult dictionaries out there if you search.
If you're really serious follow the advice about signing up for a formal English class at a local college. While they may not be able to teach you the 854 different expressions for female masturbation, it never hurts to know the rules of basic English grammar.
If possible try to befriend a fellow webmaster who can proof read your next few attempts, just don't abuse the privilege. You have to do the work.
There are plenty of successful non-English/American adult webmasters out there to prove that this can be done. You just have to want it bad enough and be willing to put in the extra effeort.
Good luck buddy!
