I thought crawlers were dangerous

[SirMoby]

It turns out they're not as dangerous as walkers.

So about a month ago my little girl started crawling around, pulling herself up and touching everything that's not higher then 30 inches off the ground. This includes the little red button on my power strip and the bright green power switch on my wife's computer.

If that's not bad enough, my little 9.5 month old baby can now let go of whatever is holding her up and walk across the room expecting mommy and daddy to catch her since stopping or changing directions is not one of her better moves.

So today, just like every other day of my life, I need to piss. Little Tatiana always thinks it's funny watching a stream of water jet out of daddy's groin area so I leave the bathroom door open and as soon as I start pissing she starts laughing and lets go of her play gym walking at an uncontrollable speed while headed my way. She’s too young to understand "No" and I suddenly realize that everything in a bathroom is hard ceramic and won't be as forgiving as the carpet if she stumbles or I don't catch her. I'm sure all the guys in here know that while the world is our urinal we still don't have the easy hands free time that most women have when pissing.

While a real man is quite capable of holding a beer in one hand and pissing with the other there are times when pissing becomes a 2 handed operation. This isn't because there’s a huge monster between my legs (there might be for some of you) that requires 2 hands to aim properly but sometimes there are things in our way that need to be dealt with like underwear and zippers.

I’m thinking about my little girl falling in the bathroom and hitting her head on the tub. Then I think of something even worse and that’s my sweet little wife beating me senseless because a drop of my urine hit my daughter’s head even though babies spend a good portion of the day sitting in their own pee.

I’m not sure if any of you have experienced that short wave of panic that runs through your body when your in the middle of pissing and suddenly realize you may have to stop before you’re ready to stop. It ain’t comfortable to stop the flow once it’s started now is it? You always have those extra drops to deal with too.

It’s just a simple piss. The first one after morning coffee. Something that used to be simple and enjoyable but now it’s a frightening experience with fear of discomfort, the wife beating me and my poor little baby crying.

Being a good daddy I let go of the obstructions in my way and free my left hand while I stop my flow, which is pretty uncomfortable. I stretch my left arm as far as it will go while lowering my entire body so my little can grab my hand. I then slowly help her down to a sitting position, which often is not easy as once she’s standing on her tiny little legs she has little desire to get off of them.

I’m thinking the job is done, my little girl is safe and I can finish my piss. As soon as the flow starts again my little one turns into a crawler and feels the need to look into the toilet bowl. I can’t really reach her with my free left hand as a crawler can smoothly glide right underneath. So I put my left foot in her path. She now uses her tiny little hands to grip my jeans and climb right up my leg back into a standing position and swings around so she’s now standing about 3 inches behind me and directly between my legs. She’s precariously close to the stream and the toilet bowl itself.

Now I stop the flow again, grab her with my left hand and tuck my pecker back in my pants giving up on the idea of finishing my after coffee piss. What a frightening experience a simple piss has become. I wouldn't change a single thing.